“Uh-iz-I, uh-iz-I, should I save her? ‘I wanna be saved!’” Do devilish distressed damsels deserve a dashing dude’s dutiful, divine deed-doing if the damsel drudged to distress the dashing dude for the Devil? Y’all don’t know your God like I do! For the record, yes, I am the “youngest in charge,” the “second in command,” the “number two” (that’s a double entendre), your God’s “mini me,” the world-renowned “Big Brother,” etcetera, etcetera. Don’t make it mandatory for me to make a major move to prove a point that may make many men mistake themselves for distressed damsels. Okay? Speaking of booty bandits, homosexuality has caused chaos and confusion among a lot of always-angry, infuriatingly-institutionalized, prison-pussy-poking closeted convicts. And I ain’t talking about the Diddler! What if that chaos and confusion comes from a minor misinterpretation—a mild misunderstanding? If your God made everything and everyone, including heterosexuals, who decided to exclude lesbians, bisexuals, and homosexuals—who exist everywhere? What if homosexuality is actually the sexuality of all Homo sapiens? Have you ever seen a transsexual woman give herself a blowjob? It’s acutely awesome—absolutely amazing! And if that’s not the type of awesomely awesome stuff you’re “secretly” searching for on the internet, you’re a weirdo. Because who wants to watch y’all normal, nothing-doing asses make every everyday Earthing experience “expensive,” waste the world’s wealth trying to keep up with carefree celebrities, and sillily suggest that making more money solves everybody’s purposely perpetuated problems? In my opinion, the rich stay rich to suppress steady suicidal thoughts, because exorbitantly expensive everyday items and activities ain’t actually products of elevation and evolution. What’s more, I think that “poor” people being prevalent often makes “fortunate” folks feel that they’ve achieved an abnormal accomplishment, as the absence of affluence—a life lacking plentiful purchasing power—is completely common and ubiquitously understood as an indication of inferiority. Which queues the query, again, what’s power? What if the pathetic people presently in “power” only have purchasing power? The ability to buy basically anything at any time, with almost any action purchasable per a plain payment, makes many men believe that they’re big, bad beasts without bounds. But we all know that’s not true, right? What would Jesus do to make manufactured madness and mayhem mysteriously become much clearer and ultimately understandable to casual citizens of a war-ridden, wildly wicked, wasteful, worsening world? Well, as Chocolate Christ, I recognize that Caucasian Christ—respectfully—failed flawlessly. That guy could have done no wrong according to the soul-searching sinners and preacher-paying people of planet Earth, right? Fortunately, I’ve learned lots of life lessons from the major mistakes of others. That’s right, I’m smarter than y’all. Because on planet Earth, if consulting the consensus, “experience” means making major mistakes on purpose to prove that you’re so strong that you’d rather do something simple the wrong way—like every everyday Earthling before you—so nobody thinks that you’re too weak to survive staying stressed for prolonged periods of time. Because struggling is a sacred tradition, right? If that doesn’t make sense, mindless motherfuckers, neither do you! Do you want to know the most fucked-up part of all this? It’s that I learned life lessons so early that it matured me quite quickly—to the point where your God (in theory) saw my soul’s age advancing surprisingly swiftly and deliberately delayed my destiny. Y’all, I would do regular, repetitive routines just to see if they’d break me as easily as they do everyone else. Oftentimes, I felt so stupid, that I’d quit while I was ahead. I know, that’s astoundingly absurd, right? Like, why would anyone admirable just say no to nonstop nonsense? And if you don’t know what sarcasm is, you’re a severely stupid person! Moving on, “Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved! Don’t save her, she don’t wanna be saved!” Even simple slut-shaming songs regularly, repetitively reference capitalism. “Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on but the money and the power! Got one in the chamber for you weak-ass cowards!” Translation: “Pay me and be put in permanent peril or perish.” And y’all wonder why we’re always at war! Y’all so silly, you simple-minded simpletons. Anyhoo, what type of lady laughs and lags at the thought of having a super man save her from formidable forces of evil? I mean, I’m only trying to make you immune to depression, “Lady.” Which queues the query, what’s depression? I’ve loved sitting alone in silence since I was a child. Ironically, the first time I was arrested, it was a noise ordinance violation. Can you guess what I was doing? Yep, I was blasting beats and bars in a residential area. Actually, I was listening to Usher, and I ain’t abashed. The second time I was arrested, it was for a probation violation because I refused to pay the preposterous price of a nonviolent noise ordinance offense, but me “bucking the system” doubled the preposterous price. So, I paid that shit, bought bigger, better speakers, and terrorized those nosey-ass neighbors for years! Joke’s on y’all, jackasses! That’s a true story. What if your God really, really respects rebelliousness? What if staying in the house while blasting beats and bars—consciously choosing to stray away from stressful situations—kept me in alignment with my primary purpose? My life may seem much more exciting than everyone else’s, but I’m a “good” guy. What if I told myself that one day I would cure a culture’s corrupted collective consciousness and save the world? What if believing that with every fiery fiber of my basic being made your God make me Chocolate Christ? Of course, it’s not as simple as it sounds. But belief is big among Bible-bearers for a reason, even if they don’t ultimately understand why. Nonetheless, what if the Bible is a bunch of bullshit and guidelines for general goodness practices that shouldn’t be taken too seriously or even literally? Normalcy ain’t normalizing the next level, is it? What if it’s possible to be more than Christ? If it’s been broken, fix it! But don’t worry, I’ll do it. So, soon…
Omniscience