How often do you think you ruin someone’s day? So, do you know those little advertisements that car dealerships send in the mail that claim you could win a prize? Well, if you’re skeptical of said advertisements’ validity, you’re smart. For shits and giggles, I decided to take one of those flyers to a local dealership yesterday just to see what was up. After pulling the tabs on the flyer to reveal the mix-and-match characters that indicate what prize you win, I ended up with three top hats—indicating that I’d “won” a $1,000 Visa gift card. Continuing, when I got to the dealership, some extremely talkative-ass nigga walked me to a large poster that shows how prizes are rewarded. Well, it turns out that out of the 7 different character matches available on my particular advertisement, every “winning” card only gets top hats. And instead of winning what the advertisement says you won, the dealership takes a “validation code” printed in small text on the flyer to determine what you actually win. I didn’t win shit but a $2 lottery scratch-off, and that scratch-off wasn’t a winner. What I’m getting at is, so as to not ruin this guy’s day by saying something like “man, y’all bogus as hell, stop trolling niggas,” which is what I initially intended to do, I decided to sit down and chat with him for a bit. We talked about classic cars for approximately 10 minutes, but my mind began to drift after about 30 seconds into the conversation. I’m going to be honest, gregarious people annoy me because I prefer concise conversations. Anyhoo, like the friendly motherfucker that he is, the guy walked me out after I told him that I was just bullshitting and wasn’t interested in buying a new Hyundai, and he continued to talk as my patience wore thin. When it was all said and done, I just hoped that I didn’t leave the guy with lingering bad energy after that phony-ass flyer aided me in adventurously passing some time. And honestly, I wanted something fresh and funny to write about. Diverging slightly, I realized that people might take me a little too seriously when I joked that “Andrew Shulz looks like he cuts his own hair, and he sucks at it,” and it seemed like he kept a clean, professionally-barbered fade for months following my joke. Guys, take it easy out there, sheesh! So, it’s come to my attention that a certain bald-headed-ass nigga allegedly linked up with that other bald-headed-ass nigga in an attempt to humiliate your boy. Apparently, and again allegedly, those motherfuckers want me to crash out, or they want to discover something damning or damaging to drag me down, partly so the short bald-headed-ass nigga can highlight me in his devilish and disputed “teachable moment” segment, just to relieve his resentment caused by my unequivocal excellence. Now, if you’re not one for conspiracies, I understand why you’d call “cap” here. However, everybody who is in the know knows that my name has been buzzing behind the scenes for a while now. I haven’t personally been watching or listening to the main episodes of hip hop’s favorite podcast in their entirety, and I’ve never subscribed to the Patreon, so there’s that. But I know for a full fucking fact that niggas are trying their damnedest to get me out of here! And if you’re out of the loop, while you continue to question whether or not I’m sane, I must ask, would you believe me if I told you that Drake dissed me in “No Face?” What’s more, if I weren’t already a fucking legend, would you even be here right now? For real, how often do y’all think about me? How many of you genuinely want to see me win? How many of you are here to jack my swag? How many of you survey my shit praying for contradictions, typos, and ostensibly AI-generated statements? And the big question is, how many of you bitter, begrudging bitches are waiting for me to self-destruct?!
As if Diddy hasn’t fucked… I mean isn’t fucked enough, he was just found liable in the alleged sexual assault of a man—where the judge granted the male accuser a $100 million judgement. The suit was closed in the plaintiff’s favor because Diddy nor his attorneys appeared in court. And to make it even more fucked up, “Making the Band” and Danity Kane’s Dawn Richard filed a suit claiming sexual abuse shortly after the aforementioned no-show judgement was announced. Damn, Diddy don’ did it again, huh? Shit, it seems like Diddy “can’t stop, won’t stop” doing it! I’m going to go out on a limb to claim that, unfortunately, people are officially desensitized to the “Me Too” movement, and cancelling defendants will become increasingly more difficult as time progresses. To keep it real, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I believe that justice should be served when suitable, but I also think that motherfuckers lie for loot. And it’s gotten to the point where the line between capitalizing claimers and valid victims is too distorted to distinguish a difference. Women, how does it feel to know that women who want everyone to “believe women” will eventually make it so nobody believes women? I’m not saying that I can predict the future, and some of you know that I am a proud male feminist. But if ladies don’t start taking some accountability and being more responsible, the Me Too movement is headed straight to the bullshit bin. Switching the subject, I didn’t watch the recent presidential debate, but I caught the highlights. And as everyone with a fully functioning brain predicted, soon-to-be president Kamala Harris made Donald Trump look and sound as stupid as he is. Now, as I’ve made clear, I don’t hate Donald Trump. Trump isn’t the only insufferable idiot in politics, he’s extremely entertaining, he’s representative of the psychology of at least half the country, and he’s human. Personally, I’ve learned a lot about psychology from Trump’s ability to remain reverent while revolting and ruinous. I believe that Trump’s supporters are some of the most realistic people in America, meaning many of them accept things for what they actually are, are prepared to deal with reality as it is, and don’t care for anyone to sugar-coat shit. But on the other hand, Trumpists are some of the most credulous people in America, meaning they will believe any bullshit that Trump and the right wing says without questioning anyone’s credibility or the information’s validity. I believe that many of Trump’s supporters know that he’s not the best choice for president, but they trust his openness and respect his immodest imperfection over other delusive, illusory goody two shoes who are difficult to believe and have faith in. And speaking of goody two shoes, America’s great white goddess, the distinguished Taylor Swift, officially endorsed Kamala Harris via Instagram, which pretty much seals the VP’s presidential victory if you ask me. Outside an official capacity, no one Caucasian should have all that power! No, I’m not racist, I just don’t understand why or how Taylor Swift became so prestigious, especially without ever persistently trending in popular culture. Maybe I’m wrong, but other than that Super Bowl shit last year and the debate comparing Swift to Beyoncé, when are people paying attention to Taylor outside of social media? Perhaps social media makes Taylor Swift seem more important than she actually is? But by the same token, seeing as there are billions of people on social media, and acknowledging that hundreds of millions of people follow Taylor on social media, and with social media being the biggest contemporary catalyst for the dissemination of information, it’s certain that Taylor Swift became so influential because of her social media presence. But what’s so interesting about this boring-ass lady?! Regardless, if voters turn out for Kamala subsequent to Taylor’s endorsement like viewers tuned in for last year’s Super Bowl as a consequence of Ms. Swift’s attendance, this could be the greatest voter turnout in American history! Do you think that will happen? And if it does, would it be an indication Taylor’s danger to democracy? I’m very curious about this. Peace.